Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
