Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
