As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
