It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
