I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
