I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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