dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
