i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
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i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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