god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
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