i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
