she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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