i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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