Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
