I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
