i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
There's always time for handjobs
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
