I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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