2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
