If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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