What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
