We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
