you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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