My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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