i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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