I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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