epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
