We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
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He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
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That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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