God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
