were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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