I think scott just propositioned me for sex
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
