just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
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I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
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Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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