This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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