Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
