Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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