my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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