Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
