What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
