Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
