Just fell off a train. Bad.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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