It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You left your underwear on the fireplace
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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