Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Hippo gnu deer
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
