no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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