My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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