If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
