I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
