You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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