I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
