I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
