It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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