Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
