so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
