awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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