Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Randomize
