i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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