and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
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Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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