it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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