Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
