Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
When did angry sex become our thing?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
