Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
