I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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